Like so many others I’ve read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” many times. It is one of my most cherished books which you can see from the worn cover and spine. Tonight, after a hellacious day of one long internal temper tantrum after the other, I am reminded of Richard from Texas telling Liz to be careful what she wishes for. If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie then here is a quick fill in for you- Richard from Texas prayed and begged God for an open heart for quite some time, and eventually, he wound up on a surgical table getting open heart surgery. It doesn’t get much more open than that.
Richard’s tale reminds us that not only do we maybe want to be specific with what we are asking, but maybe to also, use some caution in what we are asking for. Now, I did not have open heart surgery today, but in fairness I hadn’t asked for an open heart. Nope. Instead what I foolishly (not really foolish, but it feels foolish today) asked for and the universe hand delivered was something to help me confront my demons. That something is discussed in my initial post, so I’m sparing repeating it here, but oh man, today has been rough.
Today I was browsing in a shop and there was a woman next to me, we weren’t interacting, but it was one of those times that I was realizing that I didn’t want to be sending any energy out into the universe because internally I was having a temper tantrum. It was like my bitmoji was up from her hammock and she was stomping around like a small tired child and repeating but I don’t want this or that, over and over and over again. When I recognized this, I doubled over and burst out laughing. The woman next to me looked at me curiously and I just owned it, “I’m having a temper tantrum in my head over feelings and emotions I’m experiencing and I don’t want them. Like a small child, I am so fucking tired.” She laughed with me and was very gentle about it but asked me why I didn’t want the feelings and emotions I am experiencing, to which I replied that they aren’t comfortable.
Tonight, despite many more temper tantrums (some text messaged to my therapist) I am reminded of Richard from Texas, because ultimately, I did ask for this discomfort. I begged for it even. I may not be laying opened up on a surgical table, but I am open and I am facing down so many demons at once that I’m ready to pray for them to be in a single file line. Today and tonight, I’m just so damn tired. With that, I’m going to sleep.
I just wanted to remind anyone who reads this, be gentle with yourself and be careful what you wish for.
Love, E.R.A.
Ushering in E.R.A. 