Let’s talk inner child, promises and self love.
We are concluding the first Monday in March and it’s been an interesting day, but before we get to today, let’s visit a few weeks ago.
A few weeks ago I selected March 4, 2019, to be my start date into daily yoga for about a month. I PROMISED myself that I’d start it today. Though I have a yoga room in my home, I found I was struggling to self motivate to practice and I decided to motivate myself by paying for it. The anxiety began to creep in about a week ago and up until late yesterday I was able to keep that anxiety at bay. Then, late yesterday afternoon, I found myself rationalizing not starting today- After all I had returned from a business trip in the wee hours of morning and I was of course tired.
As the rationalizing set in and I got further and further away from my promise to myself, I felt the devastation set in. My inner child turned away from me while muttering “you promised” and went to pout in a corner. In that moment, I felt my heart break. At the time I wasn’t sure what broken promises I encountered as a child. I couldn’t remember a time that my mom made a promise and failed to deliver. The thing is, and I’m just now realizing this, my biological father abandoned me as a small child. Sure, he did and still does love me, but that doesn’t erase the 20 some odd years he was out of my life until I found him again. It doesn’t erase the time as a teenager I found him, called him and he promised me we’d get together soon, only failing to make good on that promise and again not re-enter my life until I was an adult. So in the moments I was even considering breaking my own promise to myself, my darling inner girl was crushed once again by a broken promise.
As I’ve aged, I have realized that where my parents failed me as a child, still hurts. I’ve realized from that hurt, I’ve made decisions that echo their decisions and my decisions as an adult, while understandable, they are my decisions. I love my parents. Even when I am angry with them or hurt by them, I love them dearly. My existence in this 3 dimensional world is owed to them and their decisions, I am eternally grateful to them for their decision to bring me into this world. While I love them, I no longer need them the way I did as a small child. My inner child on the other hand will always need me. That precious girl needs me to validate her experiences, she needs me to honor my promises to myself, she needs me to fiercely protect her and she needs me show her infinite, unconditional love.
So when I felt the heartache of changing my mind and not honoring my promise, I threw on the metaphorical breaks and promised her come hell or high water we were going to yoga today. Understandably she was happier but still in “we’ll she mode.” What can I say? I’ve let her down so many times.
Tonight was the first yoga class which is a hot vinyasa flow class. As I walked in I picked a back corner to unroll my mat. Perching on my mat, my ego went to work. My ego noticed I was the chubbiest person in the room and reminded me I’ve lost much of my strength and flexibility from 12 or 13 years ago when I took yoga and dance daily. My ego begged me to leave. My inner child? No where to be found, my ego was in full on flight mode begging me to get out before everyone realized I was even in the room. Then this little voice, soft, kind and from the heart, asked me and my ego to look around and notice how many people were looking at me. To be clear this room was packed! We had less than six inches between mats side to side and there were three rows of mats. Not a single person was looking at me. My ego was slightly appeased but still had worries, so I laid back on my mat and starred at the ceiling while deep breathing until class started.
A few sequences in I realized my happy space is really on my mat. I just love being on it and moving through these sequences I found my grove back. Sure I muttered “what the fuck” on a few exhales when I wasn’t sure I could do what the instructor was asking, but my body found its modifications. It found its flow. My lungs found their breath, my muscles found their release, my heart found its solace and my ego? It chilled right the fuck out.
Laying in shavasna my body was happy and thanked me for not over caffeinating it today. My ego apologized for its meltdown. My heart sent love to my world. My inner child? Imagine a blissful little girl, who is exhausted and fighting sleep but trying to dance like a luau dancer.
So here’s me, post yoga class with my glasses fogging out, but damn close to being blissed af.
With love,
E.R.A.
