Adding Value

Last night as I was leaving my power vinyasa yoga class, I noticed a sign that asked that students be mindful of the energy they bring to the class they are attending.

Full disclosure: while I aspire to be someone that brings positive energy to any situation I am in, right now, while struggling through all of the emotional baggage I carry, I am slightly self absorbed. Okay, that is a bit of an understatement. I am consumed with resolving my unresolved. My therapist compares this to a pendulum where for most of my life I wasn’t dealing with anything and I’d put everyone else before me, but now I’m dealing with the unresolved and I can barely think of other people. At some point, I’ll be better adapted to keeping my pendulum in a neutral role, but I’m not there yet. To be clear, I haven’t turned into some monster that fails to consider other people, but if there is something I don’t want to do or a place I don’t want to go, I’m not going. If I want to go to the beach, I’m going to the beach. At this moment in time the most I’m doing that I don’t necessarily want to do is go to work and clean my house.

Last night when I noticed the sign about being mindful of the energy you bring to a class caught my eye, I felt deep gratitude in my heart. It was the gentle reminder that I can and do impact others. I love my yoga practice and I’m so happy to be back at it, but it’s been difficult. The classes I take are hot classes and power classes, therefore, being that I’m not in the best shape and am not as active as I used to be I find myself getting frustrated, which isn’t the energy I really want to be bringing to my mat or the world.

I’ve been using yoga to help find my balance, to listen to my heart and to learn to breathe. This will enable me in the present and going forward to bring positive, peaceful energy into situations that I am a part of and to always come from a place of love, instead of a place of fear. While my mat is my world, my energy radiates to those around me and me being pissy in a class, or anywhere else for that matter, can negatively impact those around me.

So thank you to whoever posted that wonderful reminder to check my energy. I’m grateful to having that message cross my path.

With love,

E.R.A.

My Greatest Mistake

In life I’ve made many mistakes. Some large, some small, some neither large or small, but just in between.

There is one single mistake that I have made that is absolutely bigger and more devastating than any other. I have only just realized this tragic mistake and I am overcome with emotion from the realization that I have resisted love time after time after time in my life.

This realization is new, so bear with me while I bare my soul and start to explore this mistake.

Why did I resist love? Fear. Why was I so afraid of love? In short, I was afraid I was unworthy of love.

Years ago, I was speaking with someone who told me they could conceptually understand that people loved them, but that they lacked feeling loved. This statement broke my heart a bit for two reasons- 1. I dearly loved and love this person and I was devastated to learn that they didn’t feel it and 2. Well, I could relate this. I conceptually knew I was loved, but I didn’t feel it. This second bit was sad because I realized in that moment that I was missing out on what may have been a lot of love. After all, the person who spoke this statement I adore, and if they couldn’t feel that from me, then who was I missing being adored from?

Today I spoke with 2 of my exes. And while revisiting one of the conversations in my head I realized that today, I approached them with love and humor. The one I haven’t spoken to in about 4 years, I even signed off with a “lots of love” and his reply? “Love you back.” The other ex and I also got around to sharing I love yous.

If my heart had wings it would be soaring right now. I love, adore and cherish these two men. They both carry a very special, yet different, place in my heart. They were my friends, my confidants, my lovers. Yet for years I conceptually understood they loved me, at times I questioned if that understanding was real or if they dropped the “L” word as a manipulation tactic (not flattering, but that questioning is on me and my emotional baggage, not them), I just never felt the love from them.

Imagine my surprise when revisiting the conversations, I felt their love wash over me. It hit me so hard, I may as well have been hit by a truck. The feeling left me breathless and sobbing because holy fucking shit, I am loved and I can feel it. These two precious, gorgeous men, actually love me. Both of them have seen some dark sides of me, yet they love me. They’ve talked me off the ledge of anger and suicide, they’ve heard me rage against themselves or others, they’ve bore witness to my self loathing and disgust. Don’t get me wrong, we had good days too, but they have seen some parts of me that scare me and yet, they love me. They loved me then and they love me now. I am so incredibly grateful to them both for sharing their love and I am deeply forever grateful I can finally feel love.

What I realize now is that I haven’t let myself feel love. On one hand I thought our failed relationships were a testament to there not being enough love, but the bigger issue was that until recently, I didn’t love myself. Shame from my shadows and the darker parts of my mind led me to believe that I was unworthy and undeserving of love. Yet love, I would argue is our absolute birth right. Slowly, but surely and a sometimes painfully, I am learning to love myself and to show myself love.

And that my friends, is how my biggest mistake, is becoming my biggest miracle.

With Love,

E.R.A.

Parted

Mannnn, let’s talk this sadness

It’s just sitting in my heart.

Is it mine?

Is it yours?

Is it because we are apart?

Try as I might

This grief just won’t go.

Yoga, meditation, journaling

It’s lingering in my soul.

The beach normally brings me joy,

At times it makes my heart sing.

But today it’s different,

This sadness is lingering.

I’ve never felt saner,

But fear I’m losing my mind.

What am I supposed to do

It’s me I want to find.

I’ve never wanted so much to live

Yet somehow I still want to die.

I want the joy of the song and dance

This pain is just so sharp and it’s no lie.

I know I have to face it,

But I feel so consumed.

How does anyone heal past this-

How is there any room?

I’ll keep on my path

And know that’s all I can do

But why’s the sadness here?

Well, it’s because I miss you.

Me Too: a Poem

And sometimes I cry

For the little girls going through this too.

And sometimes I want to die

The pain feels too big to survive.

And sometimes I have to lie

Just to pretend I’m fine.

And sometimes I let out a sigh

The weight is crushing me.

But…

Often times I sigh

Relief that I’m moving on.

Often times I don’t lie

I own my dark truth.

Often times I don’t want to die

This life is not bigger than me.

Often times I cry

Because me fucking too.

❤️ E.R.A.